apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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