hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
