When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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