A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
