he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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