The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm both gender and math confused
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
