So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize