Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
