Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
