Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize