i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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