i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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