she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We don't watch enough power rangers
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
