How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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