I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
