My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
