Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
