I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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