The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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