I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
