I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well I just put wine in my tea
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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