The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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