In America we eat man semen.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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