Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize