I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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