I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
