Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
