i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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