So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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