Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
