I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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