I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
