Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
