My first STD was from a foam party
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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