i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
