Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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