Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
