Whatcha textin bout Willis?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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