Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
