he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
