Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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