So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
