can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
