Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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