Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
