I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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