I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
