TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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