i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
