this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
