apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
