you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
