I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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