I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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