the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
