So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize