Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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