roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
